May 21, 2014

Girl clobbers her rival in the head with SHOVEL (VIDEO)

There's a Vine going around the internet today of a girl hitting another girl in the head with a flying shovel. It's hilarious. It's also taken from an eight-minute YouTube video of a fight between the two girls, which also happens to be one of the best pieces of American cinema you will ever lay eyes on.

We begin with a group of girls walking across a lush, green lawn on an overcast but pleasant day. One of them says something about fighting, but that can't be right! These girls look like they are on their way to ordering pizza, settling in for a slumber party, and gossiping about boys. ("I heard he has dreads now, though." Ew, dreads!) They have to stop and pet the chickens first, though, because chickens are fun.

"How old are you anyways?"

"I'm about to turn 15."

"About to turn 15? OK, good, I was not about to fight a little-ass kid."

Huh. So I guess there is going to be a fight.

A flurry of haphazard slapping and hair-pulling commences, and the two fighters are eventually separated and set upright by the other girls who have come to officiate the fight. There's a long intermission, which includes a rather lengthy discussion of a pet named Mittens, who unfortunately could not attend this fight because she accidentally ripped her stitches out. Poor Mittens.

The fighters prepare themselves for round two: "I'm glad I'm not wearing makeup." "Move away from that car, it's not mine." It quickly becomes clear that there will be no pizza, because shit gets real in round two.

We find out that the little girl on the right has a face made out of fucking granite. She takes a handful of direct punches and doesn't even flinch. The tall girl tries to maintain her air of confidence, but she is clearly shaken.

"I think I just broke my hand with your face, dude."

"I got a hard-ass head."

"I can tell."

This is the best video on the internet.

Round three begins. There are kicks now, and more punches breaking uselessly against the little girl's adamantium skull. Eventually, the indestructible one starts to get fed up.

"You better quit hittin' me in my face!"

"That's the point! It's a fight!"

There's some more shit-talking and threatened use of a BB gun, and then we get to the grand finale. Here comes the flying shovel.

I've never tried to hit anyone in the head with a shovel, but I don't think the maneuver could be pulled off more perfectly than it is here. This little girl is not to be fucked with, man. She is not to be fucked with at all.

A flurry of hysteria follows, and it's suddenly clear that we are in a place that is a recession or two away from being the town from Winter's Bone.

We eventually rejoin the tall girl, who has been felled just beyond the tree line. Laying supine, she complains that she cannot hear, on account of the shovel that busted her in her head.

"I can't hear! I can't hear! I beat her ass, though, so it's OK."

They decide to go to the videographer's house, because he has a first-aid kit.

Again, this is the best video on the internet. 

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