March 18, 2013

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters is nasty but for all the wrong reasons (VIDEO)

Moronic: Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star in Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters
Easily the most moronic — and likely to succeed commercially — is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. 

This takes place in a fanboy’s dream of medieval Europe: one where children are kidnapped and murdered by old, ugly women, and it’s the job of cool dudes and their fans to set fire, decapitate, shred or explode the aged terrorists with all the weapons at their disposal.


These include machine guns, grenades and Tasers, which will surprise historians. 

The movie’s one idea is that Grimms’ heroes Hansel and Gretel (played, with no apparent remorse, by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) were so scarred by their childhood that they grew up to be the world’s leading exponents of witch hunting.

The story picks up 15 years after siblings Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) hatched their escape from a child-snatching witch, who changed their lives forever
Their opponents include a mayor (Peter Stormare) who has his own views on violence against women — he’s for it — and a queen witch (Famke Janssen) who can appear beautiful or ugly at will, and has a cunning plan to make witches more powerful at the next full moon.

The only interesting character is a lumbering troll called Edward (Derek Mears), whose behaviour is marginally less predictable than anyone else’s.


Fatally, the justifiably unknown Norwegian writer-director Tommy Wirkola can’t decide whether to make this an ultra-violent action thriller or lowbrow comedy. 

It ends up looking like a witless, cheesy knock-off of the Underworld and Resident Evil movies. They weren’t good, and this is worse.

I particularly hated the way the characters use the F-word throughout. The effect is cheap and nasty — unlike the rest of  the film, which is expensive and nasty. 


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